Merry Xmas from my family 2 urs
Who taught me to suck in my stomach,
or my cheeks?
Who told me to stand with my legs apart
and my hips thrust back
to create the illusion of a gap
between my thighs?
Who made me believe that the most beautiful part of me
is my negative space?
5 hours of sleep. Fucking cat. Fucking boss.
Coffee, take me away.
yeh that’s me in a snuggie at a 3 AM mexican restaurant go ahead n hate
Digging myself out of this hole: accountability.
Tomorrow, I WILL eat the yummy chocolate bread with butter for breakfast
I need to be honest, I think I’m fucked. Possible TW. I don’t want to put this under a cut because I feel like I’m keeping it all a secret when it’s in there. So srsly- Trigger Warning.
I feel depressed and afraid. I’m horrified with my body right now. Every time I walk I touch my legs and cringe or cry. I can feel my belly move. Yesterday, I did a body check at work and my torso was just protruding and made of cottage cheese. I feel like maybe one day I won’t be so technically fat but I will always have this awful cellulite I had at my lowest weight. My body is built to be ugly. No amount of “everyone is beautiful!!!!!” watercolor quote post will ever change how I think about that.
For awhile, I thought I was getting better. I was getting better. I don’t know when it stopped. But now I’m realizing the body checks are just as constant as ever and the intruding, never-ending thoughts are making reality just background noise. I’m back in hell and I can’t get out.
I’m poor as fuck and my parents are even poorer. I cannot afford copays, or at least enough sessions for progress to be seen. I don’t know what the answer is and I don’t see an end to this for me.
I’m having flashbacks of working at that restaurant when I was fucking 16 years old and lifting my shirt to see my belly during breaks and sometimes crying and now I’m here and I feel worse than I did then.
I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to keep calling my fucking boyfriend every hour when I freak out. I don’t want to keep acting happy in front of my friends/roommates.
I don’t know what I want but I’m terrified.
Imagine yourself in 50 years, if you’re even lucky enough to make it that long.
Your grandchildren are playing in your backyard. They’re asking you to come out and play with them, but you’re too weak and tired.
Your son asks you to meet his new girlfriend, but you keep making excuses because you are too ugly, too fat and she will judge you.
Your marriage is slowly falling apart because you’re too detached and (s)he is sick of trying.
Imagine yourself in 30 years, if you’re even lucky enough to make it that long.
You’re on your way to the grocery store to get your safe foods.
All you see is numbers, fat, protein, sugar, carbs, too much, too this, too that. You end up getting exactly the same things you always get.
Your partner comes home from work and kisses you on your forehead. (S)he no longer kisses you on your mouth because your breath smells like death, and it’s too much for them to bear.
Your kids are always asking you to do things with them, but you don’t have time because you have to plan your food or exercise.
Imagine yourself in 10 years, if you’re even lucky enough to make it that long.
You’re done with school, and you tell yourself that now is the time for change. And as you say those words your stomach rumbles, and you start the new you by eating a rice cake.
Your friends(the few that are left) are asking you to go out with them, but you’re too busy, something family related has happened, you don’t feel well.
You spend every day looking at recipes that you will never get to taste. You go into bakeries and bakery sections in grocery stores just to look at the food, but you never buy anything.
Imagine yourself in a year, if you’re even lucky enough to make it that long.
You are sick and tired of being sick and tired, but there’s nothing you can do.
You have given up, and you feel everyone else giving up on you too, but you don’t blame them.
Everyone else is moving on, but you’re stuck feeling miserable and lonely.
Every day is a struggle, and you can’t seem to find the light.
Imagine yourself tomorrow.
You have the power to create your future.
Start with tomorrow, or even better, start today.
You have a life to live, but if you don’t choose recovery, you will never know just how beautiful and exciting that life could be.
You have been fighting to hold on to your eating disorder.
Now is the time to fight to let go.
coping skills lists that are like “play with a dog” “go ask and old person for advice”
like i just have those laying around
you better check ur companion privilege b4 you make me ever sadder